I found out initially through an Instagram post from my fertility clinic last night… this then led me to lying awake until 4 this morning, nearly, having a serious dose of “over thinking”.. You see i had it all worked out in my head.. we would go get the transfer, then according to the IVF calculator I would be due on December 4th, just in time for Christmas… my favourite holiday and first one as a family of 3… Not going to go as I planned it seems….

I tend to go full throttle when it comes to thinking/planning things… I am a disaster that way and I think that then leads me to being even more upset and disappointed than I should be as I have everything planned, from telling Leigh I was pregnant to going on holidays with a little bump to having our baby… oh did I tell you it was a girl( well in my head) . Anyway, I got a phone call this morning from the clinic to say they were cancelling all FET and fresh transfers… I get it.. Like as disappointed as I am I understand…. No point putting my unborn child at risk were this one to be successful, not with all that is going on in the world today anyway… And sure listen, I have waited this long, what’s another few months in the grand scheme of things….

Well this is what I am trying to tell myself anyway… You see today is my birthday so it wasn’t really the best birthday announcement to be given… I just feel like “when is it going to be my turn?” “When do I get to be pregnant and have a beautiful baby?” “Why me?” “Why now?” All of the thoughts were had so I had to get out of my head for a while and I did…

Mam and dad bought me a chest of drawers from Ikea that I wanted so I put my energy into making those… 3 hours it took me but it 100% kept me occupied… tomorrow I am going to help Leigh do some painting, Wednesday I’ll sort my room out and actually fill the drawer… I just gotta keep busy…

Oh an learn to cook… Leigh does all our cooking because he is so good at it but today I followed a receipt from Tom Kerridge cookbook and I did quite well if I do say so myself… A very tasty chicken and leek omelette…

So all in all a disappointing day but it will all be ok and work our for the best..

Stay safe everyone and stay sensible… xx

One thought on “Cancelled…

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